Door-2-Math Blog

“Parents should never tell their kids that they can be anything they want to be when they grow up,” my student announced as soon as she entered my office and sat down. Becca is a bright and energetic young lady who is much more mature and street smart than her 16 years of age would suggest.

“Never is a strong word. So you don’t believe in positive encouragement?”

“It’s not that,” Becca opened her backpack and started digging for her math folder and notebook. “I just think those parents are setting their kids up for disappointment down the road.”

“How is that?”

“Take me for example. I wanted to be ballerina since like forever. But let’s face it, I’m 2 sizes too big to have anyone lift me up in the air -”. She made a heavy face that even I couldn’t help but smile.

“See my parents were smart. They didn’t sugar coat it and send me to Jenny Craig to diet. They said, “Becca, if you love dance that much, find something that’s you.”

“Thus the hip hop. It was a great performance you put on last week and thanks for sharing with me.”

“So you found it on YouTube?”

“Yep,” I said. Not willing to drop the subject, I asked, “So how do kids like you want to be supported?”

“Oh, you’re doing great for me in math, Dr. Pan. You did get my text that I got 93% on my test, right?”

“Yes, I did get that. Thanks for the update. But I was interested in how kids like you want to be supported in general.”

“Well, be our mirror. Like you never sugar-coated how far behind I was in math when we started. I didn’t like to hear it but I trust you’d help me to rebuild my math and you did.”

“A mirror, huh?!”

“Yeah. A mirror that just reflects who we are.”

I didn’t tell Becca that Kang Xi, one of the most accomplished Chinese emperors, had said the exact words about his cabinet officials.

Arguments , just like coins have two sides. I take my student’s side and here is why: kids didn’t ask to be born. They exist in our lives because we had, one way or another, chose to have them. That gives them the “argumentative” advantage. So when my students say to their parents “I do try”, I insist parents go beyond their own frustration and anxiety, so their “you don’t try hard enough” shows up as concern and worry rather than judgment and criticism.

Once in a while, I fail to make that connection for parents and it’s painful to see a kid of ever hoping to find a way to get his parents to share the world from where he stands. It’s not that parents don’t love their children, it’s their worry and concern that eclipses their love. So much so that all kids can feel on the receiving end is “nothing that I do is enough”

Don’t want a withdrawn kid? Change your thoughts. Picture an umbilical cord that is cut too early. After all, if not from you, where would your kid get the necessary nourishment? But without the communication umbilical cord intact, how would you nourish your child?

“When in doubt,” my husband always says, “just go with the 1st pair of black shoes you chose in the first place.” When it comes to your child’s math, trust your gut feeling:

Think Johnny ought to be held back a year, make it happen. Think Johnny needs a more challenging math class, find him one. Think Johnny is falling behind, get him assessed. Don’t hesitate. For one a green light from a teacher, school administrator, your friend or neighbor may never come and for two, who is to say they know more about your Johnny than you?

“I wish I had listened to my gut feeling,” a mother stated. “I knew my Alex was small for his age and being a July baby, I was worried he’d be bullied when we first enrolled him in kindergarten. By 3rd grade things got so bad that he didn’t want to go to school!”

“But they didn’t let you hold him back a year? ” I asked. “To the contrary, I let the school officials talk me out of it. They said that Alex is doing well academically and holding him back will discourage his learning.”

So, what brought Alex to my office?

As an 8th grader, he was caught drinking on campus. “But I was just trying to fit in,” Alex murmured quietly to himself when asked why he did it.

The lesson? Trust your gut. Stick with that 1st pair of black shoes.