Help me understand…
Say you have a child who has lost interest in school and refuses to do his homework. (Nightmare for parents, I know). By posing the question “help me understand why you choose to ignore your homework assignments” gives you, the parent, a much better footing then asking “why do you choose not to finish your homework?”
The phrase “help me understand” puts your personal interest/agenda/intention secondary to that of your “opponent”. This gives the other person the room to spill his/her concerns/objectives. Only when all the agenda, hidden or otherwise, are in plain sight, can you effectively guide the subsequent discussion to friution.
If “help me understand” leads to your child confessing “math is just too hard” you have one solution that would be different to if he dumps “nothing I do ever satisfies you and Dad anyway”. The point is that unless you know what the real objection is, you’ve got no chance to influence the other person’s war on you.
Try it next time when you’re about to scream “why” again. You may find your child’s aversion to (math) homework is not to “push your button” after all.