Door-2-Math Blog

This always gets me! Ever since reading Dan Baker’s book on What Happy People Know (awful title; useful material), I made a point to practice at least one principle in the car with the kids while dropping them off to school. What in the end settled is the principle of ‘appreciation’. According to Dr. Baker, the act of appreciating is the backbone of being happy. Anyway, since day one of our daily 3-appreciations in the car, my 9-year old has always, I mean always, putting the darn family dog ahead of me (if she did put me in her appreciation list at all).

So this morning, I once again bit my tongue, swallowed a pint of blood (just kidding, but you get the picture) while Alexa proceeded to appreciate Coco: “I appreciate coco. She is cute, soft and cuddly. She hugs me while I read and is so happy to see my everyday. She sleeps by me at night and she makes me happy. I love Coco.”

Sigh! What about me?! I fed you. I clothed you. I teach you how to coordinate your clothes. I comb your hair when you let me. I remind you to clean your room, to unload the dishwasher, to do your violin, to put your sun lotion on, to brush your teeth, to hand in your homework, to clean after the dog, to hang up your towel, to not pick a fight with your brother, to, to, to, to…. The list goes on!

Then it dawned on me! The dog does not expect anything from Alexa. Coco is just happy to see she’s home. That is all! It’s sad, but it is what it is. As a mother, I cannot let the water flow where it wants to do, sort of speaking. In attempting to guide her to where she can have a fulfilling life, I need to impart critical life skills to my daughter where she can not only function as an adult but also to pursue her dreams. That means I don’t have the dog’s, Coco’s luxury of expecting nothing but ‘I’m so happy to see you’. Coco is Alexa’s pet and I’m Alexa’s Guardian. At the end of the day, if I failed to dig the trench guiding my daughter to where it would be beneficial to her, I’ve failed as her guardian. Coco can’t do my job and neither can I do Coco’s.

In giving Alexa the room to appreciate what makes her ‘happy’, I learned two things: 1. I’m not Coco and 2. Thank goodness I’m not doing Coco’s job. If that day ever comes where Alexa appreciates me, it’d be when she is a mother herself. Until then, trench digging is what I do best.

(c) Feenix Pan, 2007.  All Rights Reserved.

It’s March, springtime. For me, it’s time to battle the roosted birds. Ever since we moved into a new house three years ago, there is one family of birds utterly refuses to move! Now, mind you that growing up in communist China, I have ‘bird xenophobia’: birds took food that meant for human. It’s just that simple. As enlightened as could be since immigrated here, I improved to not have any problem with birds in general. Just the ones come uninvited under my roof (literally!) and poop all over! So, for your bird lovers out there, sorry!

Anyway, how would my battle help you raise kids? Let me explain what happened yesterday. As I was sitting by my computer, typing up the help tips on learning exponentials, I saw them! The birds! I saw them fly right under my roof, with twig in their mouths. I could almost swear they’re the same pair I lost my battle to last year! So, you guessed it, I ran inside to tell my husband that ‘they’re back!’

‘Who is back?’ he paused and looked up from his email.

‘The birds!’ I was bewildered! My mind said, first he doesn’t automatically know it’s the birds and second he doesn’t remember we’d spent hours putting those expensive, wire-poked things under the roof last year.

‘Sweetie,’ he thought for a second or two and said, ‘they can’t get in under the roof. We have both those poky things and chicken wire stuffed under the roof. They’d have to be this tiny to get in.’ Being the engineer he is, he tried to illustrate the size with his fingers set half inch apart.

‘But, they ARE back!’ Feeling the heat coming over my head, I emphasized loudly.

‘Okay, okay. I’ll go take a look at it. Let me finish this email first.’

Biting my tongue, I grudgingly went back to the office and tried to concentrate on the writing. Then, there they go again! One after another, both flew right under the roof with the twigs again! ‘Okay, let’s count to ten…one, two, three, four, five.., oh! There they go again! Six, seven, eight, nine, ten!’ Knowing it’s useless to hurry my famously one-task-at-a-time husband, I picked up a book on teen behavior and waited (Queen Bees and Wantabes by R. Wiseman; a good read if you have pre-teen daughters in 6-9th grades). Half-hour later, engrossed in the drama the ‘queen bees’ have to go through to establish their ‘territory’, I heard my husband came in to announce that yes he had check out the situation and no there is no birds under the roof.

‘But I SAW them!’

‘Well, like I said, they’d have to be this small to get under the two layer of defense system we put up. What do you want me do?’

‘Get rid of them!’

‘But, I can’t get rid of birds that’s not there, sweetie.’

Oh, I hate it when he is so calm and try to reason with me with logic! I knew what I saw and with adrenaline kicking in from buried ‘bird xenophobia’, I would’ve gone crazy in the past! Well, not literally in the medical sense, but close enough. Only this time, I had more tools under my belt with years of communication training for the work I do. Tit for tac, I said as calmly as I could manage: ‘you have to hear beyond my frustration! I’m in fear! I’m in headache! I hate birds intrude our house! I need you to stop thinking I’m crazy! I need you to humor me! Humor me!’ If you were there, you’d think we’re arguing about the Middle East peace (okay, just me arguing)!

Long story short – being the kind and gentle soul he is, my husband went out and came back with a balloon painted with ‘eyes’ in bright color all over it and hung it on the tree by the roof! What can I say but burst in laugh! He humored me all right.

And then today, while gardening in the courtyard in the morning, I saw it! The new nest those two lovebirds built tucked right in between the less-than-6-inch gap between the wires! Imagine! I was not crazy after all!

So, how would this ‘crazy bird episode’ help you raising kids?

When I saw the disbelief on my husband’s face, I thought: what if whatever your kids are trying to tell you is not crazy? That she thinks you like her brother more? That he thinks that nice teacher you knew picked on him? That it was a big deal when Jane #1 commented the wrong brand of T-shirt you got your daughter? That you are too busy to spend time with him? That it hurts when you yelled? That he thinks nothing is good enough for you? You get the idea. See the thing is I don’t depend on my husband for food, for shelter, for guidance, for car keys or for money. Your child’s livelihood, however, does depend on you. As two adults, my husband and I chose to stay together, yet your child did not ask to be born. We, as a couple, have knowingly and willingly entered into an agreement called marriage. Your child wasn’t consulted to enter the parent-child agreement with you. And even with thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours invested into improving my communication skills, I still at times lose it (like trying to convey the arrival of birds). And I build confidence by communicating for a living! And I have another twelve years of schooling after high school! So, what chance does your child have to get his ‘crazy thoughts’ through to you, if you discount him without hearing him out from his point of view first? Wouldn’t you agree it’s pretty darn slim? Close to zit? Nil?

So next time, before you say, ‘nah, that can’t be” to your child, think about this crazy bird story. What if there is a bird nest after all? What if?

Happy Zen Math!

(c) Feenix Pan, 2007.  All Rights Reserved.

After completing a math program with a student and the parents, most kids’ grades stay up as they move on to higher grades. For one 8th grader who came in with D’s and left with A’s the progress actually accelerated after he left the program! He’s now routinely making the honor’s list while taking advanced math classes in a prestigious Tucson high school. This was an intriguing circumstance, so I asked “Alec’s” mom to share her “secrets”:

How do we keep our child academically motivated, especially when they have struggled in the past? Not an easy question to answer, but from one parent to another, I can only share my personal experiences and challenges. My first step was to acknowledge the fact that we, my son and I, needed outside help. So, I am glad that you are reading my letter, because this confirms that you too have taken the first step in helping your child. We sought the help of Dr. Feenix Pan who not only helped my son in math, but also gave him back the academic confidence he had lost through years of frustration at school. Once he completed her program, my concern then became how I could keep him motivated and confident in school so that he will be interested in learning, especially since he would be starting high school. Dr Pan asked for me to share what I have done to help my son. So, here are a few the things I have done as a parent to continue to help my son maintain his motivation in learning:

1.)Talk to your child daily. I do it on the way home from school or at the dinner table. Ask him questions like “How was your day?” or “What did you do interesting at school today?” I feel that it is important that your child know that you care, and that you want to help in what he needs and want to be involved. Open ended questions allowed him to tell me more than if I asked specific questions, thus getting more than just “fine” for an answer.

2.)Establish a dialogue with your child’s teacher/school. Communication is key, be it by phone, in person or email. If your school offers posting grades online, check it out regularly. My advice however, is to do it together with your child. I do this with mine and believe me he knows when he has done well and when he has not way before I find out. But by checking his grades together I feel that it does not appear like I am spying on him or doing anything behind his back.

3.)Have your child read. My son does not enjoy reading and sadly he will not yet pick up a book unless I tell him to. So we read together a couple of times a week. I set aside 30 minutes and have him read to me. Reading not only improves vocabulary, but I believe it also helps with writing skills, not to mention they learn something new, too. Just have your child choose what he wants to read, hopefully making reading more enjoyable.

4.)Keep your child busy. Use the Internet to find activities that will keep your child motivated. For example, my son just completed a 10-day journalism program at the U of A. He dislikes writing, but loves sports and thoroughly enjoyed writing about sports. Best of this entire program was free. So do your search online because you can truly find programs that can be affordable for you. Volunteering in any activity can also improve self-confidence.

I hope my personal experiences help any parent who, just like me, only wants his child to be happy and successful in life.

Way to go!

Happy Zen Math!!

(c) Feenix Pan, 2007.  All Rights Reserved.